Ending x

8th of january two thousand thirteen, ive found a boy, and since then i cant find a reason to not smile. ive told my friends how wonderful the boy is. ive smiled and closed my eyes every time i mentioned his name, ive looked up to the skies at 11:11 and said;

"My New Year wish has come true. I met a boy. I love this feeling. I love it! Please, I dont want to lose it, I dont want to lose him. He makes me happy, very."

It was really cute how weve loved each other so much. So much tears and smiles shared. Memories made beautifully that i won't think it will end. Happily and nothing could be better than that. weve wished to have a strong relationship, ive promised i wont give up on him and he smiled.

10th of april two thousand thirteen, the boy gave up on me. He did. ive tried to make him stay but nothing can change that, nothing. His love towards me was fading away, he forgot everything, he forgot how much he used to love me. He forgot the moment he said he would fight for me. He literally stopped loving me.

Every night, ive cried myself to sleep. ive woke up to tears and memories, wondering what went wrong. If it was my fault, ive would pay for it rather than having to wake up knowing the boy in my wish is gone and wont find his way into my arms again. And every night at 11:11, ive looked up to the skies, with my eyes closed but this time with tears streaming down merciless. ive said;

"If this makes him happy, if this ending can make him happy. I am letting go. Because that boy made me smile first. He did, he came into my life and changed everything. He made me smile sincerely. And now its my turn to make him smile. I will walk away and I will forget him. With you, my God, help me."

ive wiped my tears, there  i am, sitting by my window looking at our pictures.

Now both of us wish to never see one another anymore.

It did end. A fairytale with a sad ending.

Warm Words x

So, I guess I should start with a "HI". I'm Syikow D'creature. Okay I usually post my stuff on facebook instead of blogspot because I think I need privacy? And yes I do have Twitter but I don't really write or tell my story on Twitter, just for photos and something I'm interested in, fashion and so on., well you know girls (: So I decided to write again on here instead of posting it on Facebook. I'm 19 and I'm still studying, my college is not that great in discipline to talk about but it has something that really special and rare, made me proud to be in that college. I'm an arrogant girl to someone whos i didnt know as you guys can see but no, don't judge a book by its cover. You have the choice, to know me deeper and closer or to be an idiot for judging someone you never know. I love reading, writing, talking and so much more, I am competitive person, I just don't know what is quit and how to quit, not my thing. I was born to stand on top, to be the best among the best and to have this one attitude that never let people win over me, in a good way I mean. I'm single, well I'm short of time to even think about love or having one because I think its something that will come naturally and now, I just have to focus on what is important for my future and family. Don't call me family girl because I'm not, I love living on my own rather than hoping anything from them, independent I must say. I don't fight or hate when people talk bad about me because as I said, short of time. I'm the person who do the walk rather than talk because I just don't want to end up at the same street while the person I talk about is walking forward leaving me behind. I can't stop people to stop talking about me but I do have choices whether to listen or to ignore them. They actually made my life so interesting, with the stories I have never been through myself, but I'm all fine with it, its called life after all, never too easy and never too hard because I still find it interesting no matter how hard is the situation, its just I think that solutions are everywhere, we just have to be a little more smart and to know how to handle. I appreciate every happiness and sadness that has dropped by in my life, for making my life so colourful and made me who I am right now. I found my life so wonderfully perfect with imperfection in me and people around me, friends, family and those who hates me. So appreciate me for who I am or watch me as I don't give a shit (: x

Daily x

I've been procrastinating things lately even when I have too much time to spend. As much as I wanted to focus on what's important, I will eventually end up on unimportant things, well such as thinking too much which doesn't bring me anything good. So my daily routine has changed 360 degree.......

College, classes, home, swimming, studying, reading, writing, chillin, movies

And same things everyday............
Boring I know, but hey I gotta admit I'm a boring girl. A tough reason why no one would stick by my side for a long period. Nayy, used to it. And I'm loving my current routine.



Syikow xoxo

Book Closed x

Everything on this world has the end, same goes to my love and hope. I appreciate every effort of my friends to help me all this while. Tears that all of us have shared together and for listening to the same stories all over again without getting tired of it. Thank you so much, especially my mom for her words. As she said to me...

"You're young, only 19, and you're not even ugly. What makes you think he is the only guy who would love you? If he truly does, he wouldn't let you go that easy. But I wouldn't blame him too, you both are too young and he is only a boy. Being with a man and a boy has a huge difference. Didn't I tell you to not love someone more than yourself? I was once young and I've been there in the shoes you're walking in right now. You'll meet so many guys in future, even better. A guy who would never let you go and love you for who you are, not only for 2-3 months, but would fight for you. Forget him, your future is brighter without him, your steps are even wider without his existence in your life. Remember what you have promised to me and the rest."

And thank you so much to Bos (Not his real name) for making it so clear to me that he doesn't love me. I swear, the moment when Bos told me, he had moved on, I couldn't feel anything anymore. I couldn't cry, not even mad. I just don't know. The fact that he can actually do it less than in a month just proved everything to me, that loving someone is just another game of life. A bullshit that I've mistaken for truth. I ain't mad. Not to him, not to anyone who has been getting themselves involved in my life. I'm just sad that I could be easily lied to, I bought those promises and words with the bottom of my heart. I wonder how can I be so stupid? I used to think my friends and family will never understand my situation. But the truth is, they were right since the very beginning. The moment when my friend said "Do not say yes yet, syikow", I should have listened but I didn't. I was blind but not anymore. Champ said something to me yesterday on the phone, which made me laughed in tears. He said....

"You're undeniable beautiful inside and outside, you're brilliant, an absolute genius in family, you have the heart of an angel, you're something that I would call perfection. But one thing that proved perfection doesn't exist is that you're a fool in love. Kau lurus sangat, you would just do anything for the one you love without thinking of yourself and the risk. So tell me, where can I find a girl like you? Dont do this to yourself."

Champ is my uncle, a very young uncle (21yo). A charm man with a very soft looks that would just melt anyone's heart. I swear his girlfriend is so lucky, they have been together for 2 years since high school. Wonderful, I know (':
Okay back to the topic, so I was thinking, how lucky I am to have these people around me who loves me for who I am. Not just mom, dad, Champ and family. But Eja, Jen, Nurul, Jue, Bibi, Nina, Izzah, Aye, Menky, Adnan and so many more! I just cant describe how thankful I am right now. All my praises goes to Allah for believing in me eventho I know I should have realised this earlier. But I'm just a normal human after all. So in return to everything these wonderful people has sacrificed for me, for their time, their tears, their sleep. From this moment, I swear to everyone, to myself that I will move on and forget him. I will delete every conversations, pictures or anything that would reminds me of him. He is no longer have a place in my heart, not even in my life. Because I believe, if he ever loved me even once. He wouldn't forget me that fast. If he can, why can't I? I only have one thing left to do at this moment, close the book. Forever.

And to you dear past, thank you so much for everything you have brought into my life. For making me believe on something I shouldn't and those unforgettable memories eventho its fake. For every lessons you taught me, thank you so much. To be honest, the day you walked into my life. I thought this is real but now I realised the only thing that was true and pure is my feelings towards you, just that. I was sincere in everything I did for you and I believe, I have never loved anyone as much as I love you. As much as I wanted to believe that your love was true, I just can't. For every proof you left when you walked out of my life just shattered my trust into pieces. You're definitely the last person I will ever loved, no more after this. Thank you again, Adlien Kadir.

Starting from now on, I'm not gonna open this book anymore. Love in future? I wont promise because I know one day, I will love again. But I promise it will take years for that "one day" to come by. Because right now, I can't feel love in me anymore.

Thanks to everyone.



Back,
Syikow Mendoza x

Lost x

Bad days have been lingering around me lately and I couldn't really figure out what could chase it away. Bad feelings, bad thoughts, bad nights, bad days, everything is just bad and negative. I lost hope, faith and love. I could not rely on anyone else. I'm lost.


Lover, everything is slipping away from the story it used to be.


The people I've stated has completely sent a virtual bullet into my heart so freaking deep and badly. I could stand the pain from heartbreaking words but not actions. If words could break me, then put words and actions in one. It kills.

It hurts to know that every time you open your eyes in the morning, you will definitely go through another bad day, a very tedious day and you just feel like shutting your eyes forever. But it hurts even more knowing that you have to sleep at night with unsolved problems, unanswered questions, untold thoughts and mixed feelings. And it happens repeatedly, everyday.

I am dying to just end everything I'm facing right now. I am a very egoistic girl but believe it or not, I actually lowered down my ego, put aside my feelings and picked up every broken pieces of mine so that I can have the old days back. The days when I woke up knowing I am loved by someone and went to bed knowing someone is thinking of me. I am tired, so restless inside. I can feel its cracking, I can feel the pain is taking place on my chest and its beating me horrendously. All the deafening voices conquering my mind. Tears are probably my only best friend right now. I dont know until when I could stand this. But I know I am falling, I am breaking, I am dying.

I just want everything back to normal.


Syikow x

Never Too Late x

Secondhand Serenade is one of my favourite bands and their new song (not-so-new) kinda suits the situation I'm facing right now. So ladies, have a few steps in my broken heart.

*

Writing here,
Because there's nothing left here for me to do.
But please know that,
Im trying to make up for my mistakes.
And you're moving on, with guilty memories.
I was wrong to ever test us,
This broken road is more than I can take.

So this is the way that I'll tell you.
I'll leave you alone if you want me to,
But I've had enough of this life alone,
I'll give it up this time.
I know, I dont deserve to tell you that I love you,
There's nothing in this world I'd take above you.

I'm dead inside.
Bring me back to life.

I'll leave this note for you to read,
So you wont forget that all I need is you.
And the world is not so clear anymore,
Since the day  you walked out right that door,
I knew all I need is you.

Its never too late to show you who I am,
I'm dead inside, please bring me back to life.

*

Beautiful lyrics indeed, I must say. Its pree much explain the whole thing as clear as crystal. Each sentence of the lyrics shattered me into pieces knowing that I've been trying to avoid from what Im feeling yet I'm still here, hoping. Hoping for something that will never come back. Never. x



Syikow x

the end. it is aLways AGAIN x

jyeah! so that's the end of the story AGAIN. i failed in love AGAIN. and I regret AGAIN. and AGAIN I really want to say this, I don't want to fall in love AGAIN.

should I say this? "I FREGGING REGRET FOR SAYING GOODBYE AND I FUCKING MISS YOU."

NO, that's the thing. but the main thing now is, I COULD NEVER MOVE ON.I mean like, I fucking love him so fregging much -_______________-' I know, stupid.He is really something that I should hold on to. Something that really could put a light on my fucking face. And now I have to let him go, wow. NOOOOOOOOO! It's like putting a fucking stone on my head. Look, I've been fighting with this fucking feelings and I really tried to hate him but you have no fucking idea how much I struggled just to keep my lips like this ---> (: but still inside of me chose to do this ---> ):Mannnn, I pretend to be happy so that he could see that I'm happy without him by my side.When I said, we will never be together anymore. I FUCKING LIED.I'm full with this shit ego inside of me and I just couldn't say it out. Fuckmylife. I hate this, I swear.It's fucking torturing me and I'm following the order. I don't even take any sleeping pills anymore eventho I know it's hard to sleep and rest while his in your head, running around like a song. Never leave. BUT I PUSH MY FUCKING EYES TO FORGET ABOUT IT AND GO SLEEP, TRUST ME IT'S USELESS, YOU KNOW WHAT I DID? I RE-READ ALL HIS OLD MSGS AND JUST IMAGINE HE'S SMILING AT ME LIKE HE ALWAYS DO. See, it hurts as fuck, CAN DIE I FUCKING SWEAR.

My god, mannnnn! Don't you know I'm currently suffering to death just because I couldn't fucking move on?I've been crying my tits off these days, I'm worried about you every fucking second.You have no idea how much I care about you. I might sound like over protective but seriously get the fuck off it, I don't give a shit. I JUST FUCKING LOVE YOU, DON'T YOU SEE THAT?
But what should I say? What can I do? The heart says what words can't explain itself.

Now you're gone, and there's someone trying to get into the line. But still, I can't keep my mind off you, this is fucked up. I miss you I guess ): But don't worry, I'll get over you. One day, one day, I will. I won't wash you away from my mind but I'll just live my life and our memories will be well kept in this little heart which always yours now and forever.

   syikow x